Recognizing Complex Trauma: Healing From the Subtle Wounds

New York therapist and LCSW, Yuen Chan, shares powerful reflections on how recognizing and healing from complex trauma can transform not just your inner world, but your relationships and daily life.

Have you ever wondered, “Why can’t I just follow through with things?” or “Why is it so hard to feel comfortable in social situations?” These are questions I often hear from my clients, and more often than not, the answer goes deeper than just willpower or motivation. It might actually be related to something more profound—complex trauma.

When we think of trauma, we usually imagine significant events like accidents or loss. But trauma can also be subtle, stemming from experiences that are less visible but equally impactful. This is what we sometimes call complex or "lowercase t" trauma—trauma that might not stand out but shapes how you interact with the world.

What Is Complex Trauma?

Unlike big, obvious traumas, complex trauma often develops from emotional neglect or unintentional invalidation of our needs and desires as children, sometimes even in loving homes. Many of my clients feel like they haven’t experienced “real” trauma because they haven’t faced an obvious catastrophe. But trauma is real, whether it’s immediately apparent or more nuanced.

You might question yourself, second-guess your needs, or feel like you’re always falling behind. The good news is that once we recognize these patterns, we can start the healing process.

Common Signs of Complex Trauma

Here are a few signs of complex trauma:

Extreme people-pleasing

‍You might find yourself feeling uncomfortable in social situations, worrying that you'll say the wrong thing or upset someone. Maybe you’re afraid to ask for what you need because you think it will push others away or be "too much" for them to handle. Does this sound familiar? “If I ask for too much, this might be the last straw and they’ll leave.” It’s tough, but recognizing this pattern is the first step.

Self-Exploitation or Self-Destructive Behaviors‍

Sometimes, it’s hard to respect your own boundaries, especially in relationships. You might notice yourself saying yes when you really mean no, or repeatedly putting yourself in situations that don’t feel right.

Dependence on Substances

‍Maybe you reach for alcohol, marijuana, or even shopping as a way to relax or escape stress. It can start out feeling like a normal habit, but you might notice it’s becoming something you rely on to feel energized or less anxious. “I need a drink to relax enough to socialize,” or “I can’t unwind without that extra glass of wine.” If this sounds familiar, it could be a sign that something deeper is going on.

Reliance on Constant Validation

‍It’s easy to get caught up in seeking approval, whether it’s through social media likes, dating apps, or always being the one to help others. You might catch yourself checking your phone over and over, waiting for a reply, or feeling anxious about whether you’re doing enough to please others. It can be exhausting, but you deserve to feel good without constant outside validation.

Hiding Your True Behaviors

‍We all want to seem in control, but sometimes that means we hide parts of ourselves. You might find yourself pretending that things are fine, or not letting people see the real you because you’re afraid of what they’ll think. It’s a common reaction, but there’s freedom in learning to show up authentically.

Steps to Healing Complex Trauma

If you recognize yourself in these descriptions, it’s important to understand that these are real, valid responses to complex trauma. Here are some steps I recommend taking:

Seek Professional Support‍

Trauma is complex and often needs to be processed in a safe environment. If you’re ready to take the next step, I’d love to support you. You can learn more about my approach and schedule a consultation here.

Practice Naming Your Needs‍

Start by saying your needs out loud. Many of my clients find this helps make their needs feel more real. If you’re used to retreating when overwhelmed, try doing the opposite—reach out for support or try something new.

Manage Your Expectations‍

Not every need will be met right away, and that’s okay. I work with clients on validating their own experiences and finding ways to meet some of their needs, even if it’s not perfect.

Acknowledge Trauma Without Blame‍

It’s common for clients to feel conflicted about recognizing their trauma, especially when it involves family members. Understanding that your parents may have been dealing with their own trauma can help, but it’s essential to validate your experience regardless.

Differentiate Feelings from Facts‍

Together, my clients and I work on distinguishing between feelings that need to be expressed and those that require action. This can be challenging, but it’s a vital part of healing.

Be Kind to Yourself‍

I often remind my clients that their feelings and experiences matter. Healing takes time, and it’s okay to feel hurt. Embracing both positive and negative emotions is key to moving forward.

Embrace Your Healing Journey

Healing from complex trauma is a journey that requires time, patience, and support. It often starts with recognizing the patterns that have held you back and reconnecting with your needs. You deserve care and support, and therapy can provide the tools you need to rediscover your sense of self.

Therapy offers a safe space to explore your feelings, rebuild your confidence, and create healthier patterns for the future. Reach out when you’re ready to begin your journey, I’d be honored to work with you.