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New York therapist and LCSW, Yuen Chan, shares powerful reflections on how recognizing and healing from complex trauma can transform not just your inner world, but your relationships and daily life.
Have you ever wondered, “Why do I feel such a lack of motivation, an emptiness inside, or why do I feel such debilitating anxiety about so many things?” or “why do I have such a hard time taking care of myself and sticking to any healthy routines?” These are questions I often hear from my clients, and more often than not, the answer goes deeper than just willpower or motivation. It might actually be related to something more profound—complex trauma.
When we think of trauma, we usually imagine significant events like accidents or loss. But trauma can also be subtle, stemming from experiences that are less visible but equally impactful. This is what we sometimes call complex or "lowercase t" trauma—trauma that might not stand out but shapes how you interact with the world in profound ways.
Unlike big, obvious traumas, complex trauma often develops from emotional neglect or unintentional invalidation of our needs and desires as children, sometimes even in loving homes. It can also manifest itself in the invalidation of a child’s reality, i.e, “you hurt me” and the parent’s denial of that pain. In fact, many mental health practitioners understand trauma as the inability to process physical or emotional overwhelm, not necessarily the incident itself.
That is why many people who experience “T” big trauma don’t always develop Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. The ability to process, make meaning of, and work through trauma is actually the cure for it. Many of my clients feel like they haven’t experienced “real” trauma because they can’t remember a concrete catastrophe. But there is growing evidence that repeated “little t” trauma can cause more harm than even a single event, precisely because it can go undetected for so long and can compound itself when not treated. The good news is that once we recognize these patterns of behavior, we can start the healing process.
Here are a few signs of complex trauma:
You might find yourself feeling uncomfortable in social situations, worrying that you'll say the wrong thing or upset someone, or perhaps you avoid them altogether. Maybe you’re afraid to ask for what you need because you think it will push others away or be "too much" for them to handle. Does this sound familiar? “If I ask for too much, this might be the last straw and they’ll leave.” It’s tough, but recognizing this pattern is the first step because it might point to an issue of feeling afraid of being abandoned, one of the worst feelings to afflict a human being.
Sometimes, it’s hard to respect your own boundaries, especially in relationships. You might notice yourself saying yes when you really mean no, or repeatedly putting yourself in situations that don’t feel right. Or perhaps you are too afraid to deepen relationships because you worry you will feel trapped, having to give in to the other’s expectations rather than your own. It’s very hard to make sense of how we want things we don’t pursue, and pursue things we don’t actually say we want. This is a self-destructive cycle that is related to avoiding emotional abandonment.
Maybe you reach for alcohol, marijuana, or even shopping as a way to relax or escape stress. It can start out feeling like a normal habit, but you might notice it’s becoming something you rely on to feel energized or less anxious. “I need to have enough energy to socialize,” or “I can’t unwind without that extra glass of wine.” If this sounds familiar, it could be a sign that something deeper is going on. We now understand that a substance (or an action) can actually function like a maternal caregiver- it can soothe us when we are overstimulated and also give us courage when we feel insecure or scared. (ever heard of liquid courage?). If this is the case, then a person can develop a psychological dependency on the substance or behavior beyond just the chemical dependency, and that makes addiction more complicated. But it also points to a legitimate need for a kind of attachment to a caregiver that might have been missing for you.
It’s easy to get caught up in seeking approval, whether it’s through social media likes, dating apps, or always being the one to help others. You might catch yourself checking your phone over and over, waiting for a reply, or feeling anxious about whether you’re doing enough to please others. It can be exhausting, but you deserve to feel good without constant outside validation, and this can reveal profound difficulties in maintaining good self-esteem, which is the bedrock of being able to take risks. Constant validation works to cover up the feeling of not existing or being invisible that is intolerable. If you are validated than you exist and can feel good, and if you can’t, then something terrible happens.
We all want to seem in control, but sometimes that means we hide parts of ourselves. You might find yourself pretending that things are fine, or not letting people see the real you because you’re afraid of what they’ll think. It’s a common reaction, but there’s freedom in learning to show up authentically. Complex trauma often presents itself as deep, unconscious shame related that makes us want to hide away from the world, which creates avoidance patterns that often compound the shame.
If you recognize yourself in these descriptions, it’s important to understand that these are real, valid responses to complex trauma. Here are some steps I recommend taking:
Trauma is complex and often needs to be processed in a safe environment. If you’re ready to take the next step, I’d love to support you. You can learn more about my approach and schedule a consultation here.
Start by saying your needs out loud. Many of my clients find this helps make their needs feel more real. If you’re used to retreating when overwhelmed, try doing the opposite—reach out for support or try something new. If you are used to reacting impulsively, try waiting and calming down first (don’t worry if this is very hard to do).
Not every need will be met right away, and that’s okay. I work with clients on validating their own experiences and finding ways to meet some of their needs, even if it’s not perfect.
It’s common for clients to feel conflicted about recognizing their trauma, especially when it involves family members. Understanding that your parents may have been dealing with their own trauma can help, but it’s essential to validate your experience regardless.
Together, my clients and I work on distinguishing between feelings that need to be expressed and those that require action. This can be challenging, but it’s a vital part of healing.
I often remind my clients that their feelings and experiences matter. Healing takes time, and it’s okay to feel hurt. Embracing both positive and negative emotions is key to moving forward.
Healing from complex trauma is a journey that requires time, patience, and support. It often starts with recognizing the patterns that have held you back and reconnecting with your needs. Every human being deserves care and support, and therapy can provide the tools you need to rediscover your sense of self.
Therapy offers a safe space to explore your feelings, rebuild your confidence, and create healthier patterns for the future. Reach out when you’re ready to begin your journey, I’d be honored to work with you.
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